Project 23 a Journey Back to Myself

When is enough enough? I know I'm the one responsible for how I feel about the things people say that affect my life, and how I react to them. But when is enough enough?  I am too sensitive to hurt someone by saying that they're hurting me by their words and actions. That's always been my problem. Time to call my therapist. Sigh. I'm just tired of letting this person hurt me, and they don't realize what they're doing, but they do it over and over again, and I let them. Only hoping that one day I'll have that relationship with them that I've always wanted. Insanity, doing the same thing over and over again expecting the different.

Got on the scale this morning and I've lost 8 lbs. I'm feeling much better as well since my juice fast. I've been pricing juicers so I can do it properly next time. I kind of cheated and spent way too much money on the pre-bottled fresh pressed juices. Don't get your knickers in a bunch, I read the labels and there was no added sugar, chemicals, preservatives, just juice, and not from concentrate. Reading labels when clean eating is essential, and you have to know what you're looking for. Yes, clean eating is pretty much giving up 'boxed' foods and frozen 'meals'.

Over the course of preparing for this I have lost 9 lbs. From 217 to 208. Most of it I think is water. Today I have had four servings of juice, two servings of meat protein. For dinner I added fresh veggies to my already cold pressed juice in a blender, added some spices (no salt). I have to keep telling myself this over and over again today. For those of you who are wondering, I am doing a 3 day juice fast.... maybe longer. This is based on what Joe Cross did in Fat Sick and Nearly Dead (if you have Netflix streaming I suggest you watch this, along with Hungry for Change). Joe Cross did this for 60 days, living off of micronutrient juices for 60 days. I'm ending my first day and I'm starving and going nuts because every commercial that comes on is either pizza or Taco Bell or all the other numerous crap that I've been poisoning my body with. I know I sound a bit harsh, but when you're 42 and on 14 different medications and 75lbs overweight it really puts things ...

David's retreat was cancelled at the last minute, and being the wonderful supportive husband that he is, David is doing the 'Reboot' with me as well. Day one of the juice reboot going as planned. Fruit and veggies consumed; kale, spinach, pomegranate, cherry, acai berry, apple, celery, cucumber....and of course I'm watching TV and there's all these ads for pizza, Taco Bell... all the crap I used to put in my body. No more. Clean eating from now on. No soda, no 'boxed' or frozen processed foods. I'm also not using Splenda/Sucralose anymore. My urologist said that sucralose is a huge factor in kidney stone production. Not going to go through that again.

I'm all set and ready for tomorrow, I've got a refrigerator full of cold pressed juices and I'm going to start my 3 day reboot tomorrow morning. I'm a little anxious, but I've got my Dr.'s approval, a plan to manage my blood sugar for this process. I have a positive outlook and a plan.

Shame... there is a lot of it going around. It's a subtle beast that infects the inner workings of the soul, and eats it from the inside out. It comes in many forms....'You used to be so thin and beautiful', 'Maybe you shouldn't eat that.', 'I thought you were trying to lose weight?'....  I'll admit I have been neglectful of this blog, mainly out of self-shame. I fell off the food wagon when David and I went on vacation in late July, then I got sick, and it was one thing after another and then boom... I'm right back where I started. My goal this week. To once again wean David and I off of processed foods. It's a partnership here when it comes to dinners, I'm not going to cook one way for me and another for David, we're both going to eat healthy. As for exercise, I am still on Dr.'s orders to take it easy until Thursday when I get my stent removed, then I'll be back in action. Slowly. I don't want to go all gung ho and wear...

I was bad. Gained back some weight, but now I'm back on the food wagon again and doing pretty good. I was surprised because of all the walking we did at Yellowstone... OMG, that place is huge. I'll write more when there is more to write, right now I'm just dealing with some stuff that needs to be dealt with as well as putting my house back into order after unpacking, laundry and general mischief by the cat. Life happens, watch out.

Well, I ate the hamburger bun with my pulled pork for lunch. Ugh. Now I'm commencing the guilt part of my eating plan. I wanted to go without bread of any kind this week to see how I felt. Another major glitch today was I overslept, again. I really am annoyed. 

Well, I had a hot dog and a small popcorn at the movies, and a Diet Coke. I was bad. I paid for it. Even after eating well only two days I ate this and my stomach literally gave me the #$%^ you! I'm still researching juicing and I've been logging my food. Being healthy takes work. I caught up on my sleep, missed my Bible study this morning, I did the homework, I just didn't 'turn it in'... LOL. But I felt I needed the rest more. The last thing I need is to go back into that bipolar mess I was in two months ago. That really screwed me up. I know that as I 'feed' my body better, both physically and spiritually, my mind will follow. I turned off the TV today. Tonight I'm going to cook dinner, rest for a few then probably go to the gym. I didn't have that great a work out yesterday, but as I say, baby steps... this isn't going to be an overnight thing. That would be unrealistic. I'm writing this blog to share with the world the reality of climbin...

In order to motivate my husband to head out to the gym with me, while we were waiting for dinner to finish cooking, we watched the documentary 'Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead' the story of Joe Cross, an Australian who performed a 60 day juice detox, lost weight and got himself healthy. It really shined a light on what we've been putting into our bodies, and now the brain is going 100 MPH thinking about what we need to do to to fix this.... Stay tuned....

Made it through yesterday and stuck to calorie allowance. However my blood sugar majorly spiked, scary spiked. Fortunately it's back down again, but I really have to be more aware. Tonight we're having Navy beans with veggies in the crock pot. It's been going all day and smells so good. Also on the agenda is a trip to the gym. Looking forward to that. Baby steps, but I'm making them. One of my new habits will be less time in front of the TV and more time moving.

Well, here I go again, I started my meal plan today and stuck with it. I PASSED UP the donuts and the Father's Day cake today at church. I started off with steel cut oatmeal garnished with craisins and flaxseeds. I had a steak burrito bowl with no tortilla, lots of veggies and only a tablespoon of sour cream. For dinner I had baked tilapia, sauteed brussels sprouts, and wild rice mix. For my snack I had a cup of grapes. I stayed in my calorie range and I DID NOT HAVE SODA! NOT EVEN DIET SODA. I've given up soda entirely. It's bad for my system with all the phosphates and nasty chemicals. I know that once my diet gets in synch my digestive track will thank me. I didn't exercise much, unless you count roaming around Home Depot for 20 minutes. Here is another progress picture of yours truly... taken at church this morning. 214 lbs... yup, that's it. 

This Sunday I will be celebrating 42 fabulous years of being me.... plans are to go to lunch at my favorite place and then to the movies. Problem is my favorite place is Buffalo Wild Wings... carbs and more carbs. I'm thinking about just waiting and starting my eating plan on Monday, a fresh start after my birthday. Yeah, I know, it sounds a lot like procrastinating, but I want to start out with an even keel. So I think I'm just going to spend the next few days planning menus according to my food plan of 1350 calories per day and 45 carbs per meal. I'll think of my birthday as my last hurrah... I know, not the best thinking, but hey, it's my birthday. I know that my next birthday I'll be slim, trim, and racy... :)

I have a great program on my iPhone called Lose It, it's free and it tracks your food and exercise as well as your weight and goals...and it's FREE!. I have just started a 50 lb weight loss Challenge to lose 50 lbs by the end of the year, just the thing I need to get started again, a little motivation and accountability. Anyone with me?

Don't know what it was, but I had allergies from Hell today, my eyes were the worst. So I just rested today. 

One of the things I pride myself on is my skin care, a regimen I've kept up since I was in my teens. I very rarely had a breakout, and that was mostly caused by stress, diet, and PMS. So as I'm on the cusp of my 42 year I've had people ask me what my secret is to looking like I'm in my 20's.... WATER! Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. I also don't smoke, never started, I don't sunbathe and when I am out in the sun I use major sunscreen, and I don't drink. Studies have shown that smoking and alcohol consumption age you at least five years if not more. My skin care regimen consists of these four items I use daily. tea tree natural soap (Dr. Bronners) exfoliating scrub (Clean and Clear) I use those two in the shower clarifying lotion or astrigent moisturizer I use those two after the shower. I also drink tons of water and no caffeine. So that's my healthy skin formula, it's probably one you've seen before, but I find it to be a tried and ...

A new 'before'.... May 30th Size 18/20 213.5 lbs. 

I took that first step, again. I went to the gym. Man, I felt like fish out of water. Ugh.... 20 minutes of cardio and did some weights. Not a huge workout, but it was a good start.

I know, it's been a while.... had a bit of a mental hiccup with my bipolar last month and I've been concentrating hard on getting myself back into a routine at home. Now that it is now somewhat intact, I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. One of my goals this year has been to grow my hair out long (yes, I know it will take more than a year, I've already got 11 months on it so far).... here is the starting point.... last June This is how it started out, a short and layered pixie cut. I let it grow out through January when I just got the ends trimmed, and now it looks like... This look was created by blowdrying hair out, my hair right now is curly/wavy.... I've been using Pantene Beautiful Lengths thinking it's helping the growing process, however it's got sulfates and is bad for my color. Does anyone have any recommendations for shampoo as well as leave in conditioner. I used Garnier's leave in conditioner but it leaves m...

One of the things that I have to deal with on a 24/7 basis is managing my bipolar disorder. For some it is an easy task, for me it's a daily struggle of managing meds, moods, and my PTSD. Daunting task... very much so. It's so easy for others to say 'Snap out of it' or 'Take a pill and get over it'... Gosh if it were only that easy. The one thing that I have discovered in the almost 16 years of managing this brain disorder is that I wish there was an 'on off' switch. Last week I crashed and burned in a big way.... that's the only way I can describe it. After being awake almost 50+ hours with the 'committee' going 100+ MPH, plus the anxiety mixed with rage I was a train wreck. I am so very blessed to have a great support system. My husband, God bless him, is amazing. I am so thankful for him. This past week when I was in the hospital he was cool as a cucumber, didn't freak out, and he was my rock. I have to shout out to Sutter Center for P...

Ok, I think I really do need a 12 Step program for  Buffalo Wild Wings , it's midnight and I'm nuking my leftovers... actually in all honesty, I need a 12 Step program for food in general. For sugar, carbs, soda.... Jalepeno chips.... Oye. Admitting I have a problem is the first step, thought I was doing that in February. So much for accountability, I pretty much fell off the wagon and rolled down the hill, crashed into another wagon and went KABOOM! Sigh. I know, over share, but one day someone is going to pay me for my witty insight and logic that doesn't resemble our Earth logic. It's late, I'm hypomanic... sarcasm is eminent.

I had NO sleep last night. None, nada. Zilch. I've been fighting a cold/cough, thought I was winning the other day. Yesterday, in spite of my plans to go do something for myself, I spent the day in bed hacking, wheezing, and sniffing again. I managed to scrape it together to go to dinner to celebrate my 19 year sobriety birthday ( YAY ME!!!) with the hubby. He never ceases to amaze me, and surprised me with this beautiful bracelet with red heart and crystal charms. Anyhow, we went to dinner, then to Target for some more potent cold medicine (the other stuff obviously wasn't doing the trick). Well I'm wide awake... all night. I tried to go back to bed when David was getting ready for work, that didn't happen. I tossed and I turned. Then I decided to get up and do the laundry. Might as well. Besides, it will be done and if I pass out later this afternoon, no biggie, laundry is done, house is clean (well for the most part). I still have to clean our bathroom this week. It...

19 Years ago today I started on a journey, one that I struggle with from time to time when things go crazy, but I have fought, I have prayed, and I have had the support of my family, friends, and God! I have been clean and sober for 19 years! WHOOT! I love you all. Today I'm going to celebrate by going to the Nooner meeting (an AA thing), then with the hubby when he gets home from work. Going to my favorite place, Buffalo Wild Wings. 

I sound like Scarlet O'Hara... today was a good day. I'm over my cold/cough, my knee is better, my shoulder is tremendously better, I got stuff around the house done and I feel like I can get back on track. When you're sick or injured it's difficult to stick to a regimen, especially exercise and food. I found myself delving into the comfort food zone and I know I've put back on some of the weight I've lost, but you know what? IT HAPPENS! I'm not going to brood about it and kick myself in the butt. Tomorrow I celebrate a huge milestone in my life, 19 years of being clean and sober. My life is so much better in so many ways I cannot list because it would take me forever... Going to go out to my favorite place to celebrate and enjoy some quality time with the hubby. So tomorrow I start again. To my readers, life is too short to kick yourself about mistakes, take a deep breath and move past them.

Hello all. I'm back 'on the grid'. Went to physical therapy on Monday morning and shoulder is improving greatly, which means I will be back in the pool VERY soon. Well, not as soon as I thought, as I have a red, white and blue knee from crashing on the concrete on Sunday morning at the retreat. My husband has threatened to wrap me in bubble wrap. Nothing is broken, I'm just bruised and swollen. I managed to eat healthy during the retreat, they had good healthy snacks and the food they prepared was very healthy and tasty. Mentally I'm doing pretty good.

I DO NOT HAVE A TORN ROTATOR CUFF....read on...I really should listen to my voicemail when my Dr. calls. My Dr.'s phone number popped up on my phone yesterday around 5, and I thought it was just my physical therapy reminder. No. So here's the news.... I DON'T HAVE A TORN ROTATOR CUFF! It's just a sprain. The MRI specialist sent the report to the Dr. on Monday (Dr. was out Monday - Wednesday), what  was thought to be a tear as viewed on the computer by the ortho and my Dr. was in fact a shadow from my bone spur and the sprain swelling. Dr. had thought it only a sprain in the first place otherwise I would have been in severe pain sooner. Duh, that's what I'm thinking. They got to see the image before the specialist saw it on Friday and based on the ortho's opinion thought it was a tear. What a bonehead, no pun intended, Mr. Ortho... So no sling and continue with physical therapy until shoulder is strengthened. That totally made the beginning of what is going t...

Well, this is going to be a little speed bump. I just can't do any upper body or strength training.  MRI showed small tear in rotator cuff, primarily a major sprain from fall. Ortho came in with regular doctor today and said he doesn't want to do surgery, he would have to cut more than what the tear is and that the tear should heal with rest and immobilization over the next 8 weeks with physical therapy and pain meds. He said the bone spur combined with the tear and inflammation is what's causing the major pain. Right now I'm a happy camper. No surgery because it's gonna be a rockin summer this year. On a lighter note, don't you just think the pink paper shirt is just dead sexy. I can see it now on the racks in the Gap selling for $40 a pop. NOT. 

Two weeks ago I took a nasty tumble down the stairs and majorly tweaked my rotator cuff. Since then I have been in some majorly progressing pain. Yesterday I had physical therapy, and the pain isn't getting any better. I'm going to take a few days off from blogging.....

With the last of the laundry done I have decided to make some chicken salad (with veggies and Lite Miracle Whip) and crash on the couch with my down comforter and watch a movie... I highly recommend 'Much Ado About Nothing' directed by Joss Whedon.

Goooooooood morning Rancho Cordova, and as my friend Chris Sullivan would ask... "What day is it???" It's LAUNDRY DAY!!! Fooled ya didn't I?? So ask yourself this, what's for dinner??? That's what I've got to figure out because I have nothing out of the freezer yet. Chicken or beef? Hmmmmmm.... yes, it is a day of query for your ginger friend. Must consult the fruity box that shines... aka her iMac. Yesterday was great, found out that I DON'T have to have surgery on my shoulder. We're just going to do physical therapy. I was worried considering I've started on this vision quest of health and fitness. Today I am doing laundry, as well as figuring out the dinner plan, which must be healthy. Last night was kind of off the charts, had sushi which had white rice. Bad for carb intake, but it was so gooooood.  With that in mind, I need to step away from the iMac and start laundry, I don't want to be doing it all day. I have other things in min...

Well I'm pretty much done with the stomach virus. I've been up early today working on pictures and videos, getting stuff together in preparation for doing a presentation for a women's retreat in June. Anyhow I've come across some old videos and pictures and man they are a motivator... I couldn't believe how big I was. I don't know how much I weighed then, I do remember it was in 2005 and I was a size 22 because I still have those jeans buried in my closet somewhere. I can't wait to start posting progress pictures... those are the best. 

My friend Theresah posted this on FB today... I couldn't help but crack up, and share this as well.

Going to have to start this week a bit derailed, I've got the stomach bug, aka Norovirus. Fact, it is NOT the 'flu' as so many people refer to it as the stomach flu, it is in fact a virus. It really didn't hit me until early yesterday morning, and in spite of it I did go to church. Probably not the best idea. After being sick for three months off and on I was darned if I was going to let 'not feeling good' get the best of me. So I put on my 'big girl panties' and went to church. Bad juju. Then to add fuel to the fire the hubby and I went with friends from church to lunch at the local Chinese food place. That's where I realized that it was something more than just a belly ache and frequent, very frequent potty breaks. I was miserable. So after a trip to Target for stuff for electrolytes and Pepto I was at home and in bed. I got a LOT of rest and now it's after 4AM and I'm wide awake. Last week I was up early with David almost every morning, an...

It's been a crazy week, from missing kitties, basketball games, computer desk paper purges, and all kinds of fun stuff. I lost 1.5 lbs this week, however I still need to work on the carb intake, that is my achilles heel, that and exercise. I still haven't gone to the gym yet. I've done walks and stairs and cleaned house and done laundry, all which burn calories, but I seriously need to get in and start circuit training and swimming again. I have an unlimited gym membership and I don't use it. Sad, I know. Well it's late at night and I need to go to bed and get a good night's sleep. Rest is important my friends. Tomorrow, or later on today as the case may be, is another day.

Today was judgement day.... went and had my first labs done three months after I was diagnosed with kidney damage and disease along with Type1 Diabetes, I went from a 13 on my A1C to a 6.5, within 'normal' guidelines. That and my other test showed no sugar or protein in my urine. I know, gross, but it's a kidney function test and I passed.  I am thrilled. It has been a busy week. Last week I had a rough week, it was all about the mania and no sleep. Now that I've got that nipped in the bud, I'm working on getting things into a routine for me to follow. I work well when I have a routine. Being out of the corporate workforce and at home, it's hard to follow a routine because I'm on MY schedule, not the corporate hibbity hoo's. That's why I did so well in the Navy, I was on a schedule (well for the most part). I also lost another 1.5 lbs. So psyched! This week has been full of a missing kitty which is now back home, hanging out in the VSP Suite at the K...

Guess who came meowing at the back door at 11:23 PM??? My boy. He's home!

My boy is missing. I don't have any human children, just fuzzy ones, and my kitty Tybalt is missing and it's just heartbreaking. He usually goes out for a little bit during the afternoon, well he went out Saturday afternoon and hasn't come back. I am beside myself, and as with any parent missing a child, I am consumed by his absence. Posters are up in the neighborhood, all animal shelters and hospitals in the area have been notified and he has been registered as missing. Tybalt's the first pet I've ever owned, never had any animals when I was growing up. If anyone is reading this and lives in Rancho Cordova and sees him, please contact me ASAP! He's very friendly and will come up to your if you call him. He has a collar with his name and our home phone number on it. Thank you. Today was all about Tybalt, with some housecleaning and laundry thrown in.

Today went great! For one thing neither one of my football teams were playing so I really didn't care who won, I just sat back and watched. (For the record, I think Denver's team was still at the hotel). D and I went to our friend Bud's house to watch the event, and of course food was involved, so David and I chose to prepare Alton Brown's chicken wing recipe. Unlike a lot of the chicken wings out there, this one is NOT fried, but baked. I was a happy camper when I got there because they had veggies to munch on and I did break down and have soda... Yes, this is something that I need to work on, it was diet though. All in all I had a pretty successful day in the food department. I even got some exercise in this morning while David was in band rehearsal I took a nice 1/2 hour walk around the church grounds. Baby steps, I knew when I started this I would have to do it this way. It's completely unrealistic to expect to become Miss Fitness and Health Queen overnight. Whe...

Today was a day of rest. David had his first Saturday without overtime and we both took advantage of it and just did nothing today.... well, David did taxes, but nothing was expected to be done. We just rested and it felt pretty good without the pressure of having to do this or that.

So off the mark today mentally. Going to nap then reboot tomorrow. 

Well, I fell off the wagon last night and had a Coke Zero soda. It was one of those things that I didn't think about and automatically ordered it at Chili's when I ordered my dinner. I'm not going to beat myself up over it though, it happens. Not like I horked down a double fudge brownie sundae with extra whipped cream. I know, that was EVIL.... So, I got no sleep last night. My manic episodes are more frequent these past three days and last night I got started on a project and before I knew it six o'clock in the morning rolled around. Good news is.... I lost a pound and a half. I think it was just water weight, but still. I was like whooot!

Had a great day yesterday, got some good sleep (even though it took me til three in the morning to get to sleep). Got up and had brunch (it was too late for breakfast food). Got in laundry, exercise, some blogging, found an app for my iPhone to track calories/carbs and weight loss as well as one to help log my blood sugars. Had a great dinner at  Chili's Grill & Bar  with David (Chicken tacos and black beans). Then went and got some more exercise at Target (Walking around the store for 45 minutes). Tomorrow, more laundry and the gym. I need to glean my iTunes for some work out playlists. It wasn't as overwhelming as I thought it would be. I have the tendency to take the new things in my life and blow them completely out of proportion. I had a great talk with a good friend about my new lifestyle change and was able to flush out some ideas about my plan and process. 

Whole grain sprouted bread, it really doesn't taste like cardboard or tree bark. Not that I've ever eaten tree bark....had it pulled out of the back of my leg after a bicycle accident, but never ate it per say.

Overslept, not the best way I wanted to start this, but it's what I NEEDED. After dealing with a two day manic episode I needed the sleep after finally crashing at three in the morning. Don't even get me started on that issue, for me it's something I have to deal with and I do so. I had 'brunch' this afternoon.... a simple meal. Instead of something ooey gooey and cheesy (which is my downfall), I chose whole sprouted grains and probiotic yogurt, and water. Water, that's another thing. We don't drink enough of it. When I was training in the Navy my fitness coach had me drinking 96oz of water per day. Lately, between sodas, milk and Crystal Lite I was drinking maybe two glasses of water per day, not good. So water it is. Crystal Lite is good if you want flavor, but it's not always convenient. I need to go through my water bottles and find one I can easily use on a daily basis. Sounds kind of kindergarten, but I've got every kind and size of water bottl...

Can't sleep. Help!

So what's the plan??? To be perfectly honest I'm not quite sure. When I quit drinking almost 19 years ago I quit cold turkey, I went through detox. You can't quit eating. But you can detox. My physician and dietician have set down the guideline of 45 carbs per meal. Unlike the girl that lost 100 lbs in the article I posted on FB, I'm not going to fast or juice, for a diabetic that just is not healthy. I want to lose weight and eat healthy, but I also don't want to shock my body systems. I want to lose the weight realistically without any trendy new age diet. I don't want to eat that way for the rest of my life. Portion control and carb control is key. So is getting the right amount of vegetables, proteins and fruits into my food plan as well. Right now I weigh 201 lbs. Yes, I said it out loud. It's just like the first time I went to an AA meeting and said, 'Hi, I'm Kimberly and I'm an alcoholic'. Admitting I had a problem was the first step. ...

Those of my friends that have met me in the past 18 years have known that I have struggled with weight and food/carb addiction. Last year's diagnosis of Type 1 diabetes and kidney damage really put things in perspective for me health and we ight wise. It's not an easy road. I'm a recovering alcoholic and a Bipolar survivor, I also deal with diabetes, heart disease and carb addiction. This year is a new year for me and a new lease on life. I am eating better, feeling better, striving to get more exercise, and take care of myself physically and mentally. I am blessed with an awesome support system with my David and friends and family. I want my old 'Navy body' back, I have noticed that people treat me differently since they have seen that I've either put on weight, or lost weight. (I've lost 21 lbs since my kidney diagnosis last November). What matters is how I feel about myself, and I know I haven't taken care of myself. I CAN change that, and that is key...